It’s sadly normal when one of your female friends tells you that her man is exchanging bodily fluids with another hot babe out there.

But imagine your female friend telling you that her man is cheating on her with another man. Weird, huh?

One would wonder how to tell her parents that she is ending her marriage because her husband decided to cheat on her with a man.

Stacy* a 47-year-old divorcee says that was exactly her dilemma. Stacy ended her marriage when she found her beloved husband in a tongue battle with another man.

“He was one of his close friends. I never suspected anything because they were both too masculine and they never even used to give each other the manly hug, just fist bumps,” she says.

One Sunday afternoon in May 2011, she decided not to go for her chama meeting and headed straight home.

“I walked in and there was sports on TV, I knew the friend was around because I saw his car outside. I heard giggles in the kitchen so I went to say hi. I found them kissing. I froze,” she says. Stacy says that she confronted them but they became defensive.

“Can you imagine my husband told me that I was seeing my own things. What level of gaslighting was that? For a split second I questioned my reality. So I stayed just to get enough evidence,” she says.

For a whole week she tried to get a hold of his phone.

“I knew his phone password, so I checked it and found conversations that were very disturbing. They were even exchanging nude photos. I took screenshots and sent them to my phone,” she said.

Always to blame

However, Stacy says that a woman is always to blame. As famous author Khaled Hosseini said, “Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.”

When he cheats on you with a woman you will be told you have neglected your duties.

“Woe unto you if he cheats on you with a man. You will be told you have failed as a woman until he decided to find comfort from a man,” says Stacy.

She recalls how she was told to be patient after telling her family that she wanted a divorce.

“My father told me to forgive him, my mother prayed saying that was an evil spirit in the family, while my in laws said I had failed as a woman, and I was a shame to the whole gender. I left,” she adds.

Maryanne* a 38-year-old mother of three stayed even after finding out that her husband was cheating on her with a man.

“I am a stay-at-home mom, he was the breadwinner. I only have a high school certificate, so when I found out there was nowhere I could go,” she says.

Just like Stacy, Maryanne did not suspect anything. Herman’s friend would come home just like all his other friends and they would do guy things.

“My husband cheated on me several times with women. Due to my naivety, there was a time I confided in the male friend that he was also cheating on me with,” she adds.

Since they lived in a five-bedroomed house, the friend would sleep over once in a while.

“When he slept over they would hang out until late and sometimes they would spend sometime in the guest room together claiming that they did not want to disturb us with sports talk,” she says.

One night she woke up and the husband was not in bed with her, only to walk out and bump into him as he was coming from the guestroom where the friend was.

“He said that there was a business meeting in the morning that they needed to discuss prior. I never suspected anything, I only thought gay relationships were for foreigners,” she says.

However, she vividly remembers one night when she decided to go through her husband’s phone when he was playing with the children.

“When I checked I saw he was flirting with other women, I was looking for female names, but what caught my attention was a message from that friend of his saying ‘I miss you too baby’. I mean men do not text like that. It’s a miracle that now I can laugh about it because it was disturbing,” she says.

Maryanne notes that finally everything started to make sense: The late-night conversations, the sleepovers.

Top or bottom?

“What really disturbed me and what I really wanted to know was who the “woman” in that relationship was,” she says.

The top is the pleasure giver, someone who prefers to be the person in control during same-sex intercourse, while the one on the bottom is receiving, someone who likes to give up control during sex. Maryanne kept it to herself until one day when the friend came for a sleepover and she decided to hide in the guest room.

“The guestroom had a big wardrobe, the bottom part meant for shoes was rarely used, that is where I hid. It was before supper so I knew they would not take long,” she says.

The friend walked in first then after a few minutes her husband too. Within no time, they were making out and went to full-blown lovemaking.

“It felt like forever, hearing them moan, and the sweet words they were telling each other. I was hurt that he not only cheated on me but he could be that gentle and sweet. He’s always insensitive with me, even when we have sex, it’s just about him,” says Stacy.

She says when they were done, they left the room.

“I was ashamed, so I did not even ask him. I thought it was better when he cheated on me with women, not a man.”

“Why I never left, you ask? Where would I go? I don’t have parents, my siblings have their own lives, I have children. So I stayed and never mentioned it. The friend still comes and they still lock themselves discussing “business” ideas,” says Stacy.

“I thought I had failed as a wife until my husband was going for men. Eventually, I did my research and that is when I found out that people like my husband are called tops,” she adds.